My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
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I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
*bites zombie*
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.