Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
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My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.