I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
i think we should see other cousins
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
huge if true: the moon
OH. COME. ON.
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women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.