I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.