Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….

me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet