Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
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Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
nobody’s gonna understand
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.