AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
You Might Also Like
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
groan^2
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129