I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
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I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
they finally got him. they got macavity
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.