I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
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I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Best spot.. 😅
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
New menu item
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )