I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
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I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.