I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
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Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*