Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
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*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I’m crying im so happy for them
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away