This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
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How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
me doing my best
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?