ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
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If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
this is how life feels
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Spring of Deception
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.