Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
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[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.