@ToxicProbably

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

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@AnnieKnowby

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

@HonestToddler

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”

@GabbbarSingh

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

@Cheeseboy22

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!

@thepunningman

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

@GuyThe_Guy

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

@bazecraze

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

@C00LpenNAME

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

@JulieSnark

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?