Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

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Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.


They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.


Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”

Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”


The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.


Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!


[last meal on death row]



“Say when”

*winks to camera*


I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.


You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.


I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life


Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?