Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
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I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I’m giving up for Lent.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”