I’m giving up for Lent.
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Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Stop sending me this shit.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.