Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
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very niche meme I made
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
and now we wait
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED