Awesome parenting 馃槀
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Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira鈥檚 hips have the same reputation
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
When a woman has her husband鈥檚 last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you鈥檝e absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don鈥檛 put vodka into jelly donuts
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 馃槻
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
my 8yo鈥檚 friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it鈥檚 my grandma鈥檚 favorite band
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.