Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
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You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I just love that new Pope smell.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
The cashier just checked me out.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.