WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
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My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin