RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
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[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
where’s Godzilla when we need him
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.