Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
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I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
#NeverForget
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet