Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
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Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Matt Goss
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions