“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
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Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Breaking news:
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.