“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
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LOL
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
spot the difference
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.