After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
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me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens