It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
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Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍