If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
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Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
If you love someone, let them tweet.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Good morning, Twitter 😊