@thejamietighe Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
@Eves1 Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
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@thejamietighe 
@1Happytwit Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
@TheToddWilliams “Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
@GreenishDuck Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
@wolfpupy thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
@LoveNLunchmeat This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
@QueenVofCoffee Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
@seamussaid help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
@atDevin I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
@StayNobody [Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is