Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

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Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus


Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.


Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.


thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years


This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.


Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”


help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”


I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.


[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is