Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
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If I鈥檓 grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Kid: Mom! We鈥檙e out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I鈥檒l get more when I run to the store sweetie!
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it鈥檚 not working
mom: wait it is now
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
the red hot silly peppers
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 馃檪
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 馃檨
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who鈥檚 supposed to take care me me when I鈥檓 old.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I鈥檓 not saying you can solve everything with cake but I鈥檓 also saying you shouldn鈥檛 at least try to solve everything with cake.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I鈥檓 proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i鈥檓 a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.