@Eves1

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

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@thejamietighe

Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus

@1Happytwit

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

@GreenishDuck

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

@wolfpupy

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

@LoveNLunchmeat

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

@QueenVofCoffee

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

@seamussaid

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

@atDevin

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

@StayNobody

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is