Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
You Might Also Like
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football