While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
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Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
My safe word is Worcestershire
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”