I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
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My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
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the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!