Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
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Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!