Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
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Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
🐕🍷
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.