My diet was going really well until I woke up.
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I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Genius idea!!
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
☺️
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer