My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
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Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day