me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
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I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
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