The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
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I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.