If my dude is messaging you.. he鈥檚 your dude..
Keep. Him. 馃槀
You Might Also Like
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn鈥檛 he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn鈥檛 him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-sc茅ne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Social distancing in Australia:
Sometimes I worry that my son鈥檚 childhood is too happy and he won鈥檛 be funny when he鈥檚 older.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I鈥檓 sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87掳.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it鈥檚 the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Made something I鈥檓 not proud of
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Not helping