I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
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wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside