about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
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Generation gap…
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.