you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
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Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I have so many questions.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair