Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

british sex workers really pound for pound

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

Nothing to do, you say?

You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.