Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
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APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.