Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
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My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
haha same
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”