*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
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DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
You sure about that?
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway