If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
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Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
My body is a “wonder what happened” land