she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
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Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.