saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
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Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.