Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
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OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
That de-escalated quickly
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌