Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
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I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
This is a bad sign
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
They got a point!
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.