Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
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fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”